If on a by-all-accounts "slow night" I make over $9.00 per hour, I think I like my new job.
June 2003 Archives
More too much: Today: Get up at 7:30, get ready, leave at 9am for school, take test, leave school at 11:15am, run errand, get home, do homework and study (and dang it, despite my best efforts I didn't finish) (lunch is carrots and cereal eaten in the car- no time to cook), leave house at 1pm for school, take test, leave school at 3:15pm, run errand, get home, get ready for work at Spikers, 5pm-close. I hope it's not late, because in the morning I get up (8:30?) and work at Spikers again , 10am-5pm. Tomorrow night: SPEND TIME WITH KIDS. (Ain't nothin' gonna stop me from it, either!) Saturday day: SPEND TIME WITH KIDS. (Ditto.) (Take MB shopping and to subsequent birthday party) Saturday night: work at new job, 9-close (close=1:30-2:30am) Sunday: get up (8:30?) and work at Spikers (10am-5pm). Go home, clean up, go to dinner, 6pm. Go to bed early, get up and go to school Monday morning...
Somehow I like all this, though. Makes me feel good about myself and doesn't give me too much time to think.
Also, my WEBCAM came in today!
If I don't have the children (and I should) and don't have any extenuating circumstances (and I always do), then I can wait as long as 8am to get up. Otherwise, as most mornings, I need to be up by 7am. From there I get ready and take care of necessary chores--take the kids to the babysitter's and what have you-- and head to class. I'm at school from 9am until 3:20pm, Monday through Thursday. I pick up the kids and, if nothing is pressing, go home to feed and care for them. I read about 30 pages of text (1-2 chapters), answer 10-15 problems of homework, maybe take a quiz, work on a paper, or study for an exam (which come more than weekly). I feed the children, clean house, etc. Actually, the myriad of varieties of variables that make up each day is astounding. (Or as I say, "It's always something!") Anyway, then, I work approximately 2-3 days/week at Spikers, approximately 7 hours a shot, and work 3-4 days/week at my new job at the University Inn, which appears to be 4-7 hours/shift. So we're looking at 30-some hours a week in school, maybe 7-10 hours of study, and somewhere between 26 and 42 hours of employment per week.
I know first hand that any one of the following-- taking care of children, going to school, working-- done well and done properly, is more than enough to occupy one's time and energy. I am still perturbed that He seems to think full-time school, part-time work, and kids is not "real work", it's "easy", it's play, fun and games, however you want to put it.
The real problem in this, however, is that of all the activities, and I do not just say this: the children are the most important. While I'm running around going to school and focusing on making money, someone else is raising my kids. I could free up some time, perhaps, if I could throw some convenience foods at them and tell them to occupy themselves with a movie. I don't consider that true parenting, though. Unavoidable at times, yes, but my children need and deserve more than that. They need a Mom, not a babysitter. They need my time and my attention. I've done my best to give them that, and I'm afraid with my hasty decision to take another job (thinking of money only), I've not done what's in their best interest. Heck yeah, maybe now I'll have money to buy them more things, but what they need far more is me.
P.S.--Today marked what would have been my 8th anniversary with my ex. Also, my car is dead again. I'm not even going to go into how "not good" that is, or what a hardship it places on me and thus, those in my life. Oh well, eh?
P.P.S.--In the not too distant future I'll be Ms. [my name], RD. :-) Then I can put in my 40-some hours per week at work in this field of interest, leave my job behind at the end of the day, and go home to enjoy my children. Ahhh....
Read in an article called Tipping Not Optional:
"Tipping experts recommend you tip a waiter or waitress 15 percent for adequate service, 20 percent for very good service and not less than 10 percent for very bad service. Why 10 percent for a bad time? Think of the busboys, the bartender and the hostess. In a lot of restaurants, a waitress pays out a percentage of her tips to others who help her serve you. By punishing her, you're punishing them.
You might think of the waitress, too. It's possible, just possible, the poor service you received was not really her fault. Maybe the kitchen was backed up or she was given too many tables to cover. If you want to help cure bad service, rather than skip the tip, speak to the manager about the server's behavior or about what was wrong with your dinner."
SO many people come into Spikers and tip me nothing that I don't even expect tips anymore. The only reason I get by there is that those who do bother to tip me usually tip me very generously. To those of you who don't... oh man, I could give you an earful. Just tip. Especially if it's me. [grin]
I have a heck of a lot to say (last night, today at work, tonight at home, etc.) but I'm tired and I've stayed up slightly too late for my first school night of the summer, so without further ado--aside from to mention that Good Will Hunting is my favorite movie-- here is a scene from it that crossed my mind tonight.
Will, talking about the girl he just went on a date with: But this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She's smart, she's fun-- different from most of the girls I've been with.
Psychologist: So call her up, Romeo.
Will: Why, so I can realize she's not that smart, that she's fucking boring? I mean, you know, this girl is like fucking perfect right now. I don't want to ruin that.
Psychologist: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't want to ruin that.
[Psychologist tells unflattering story about his wife]
Psychologist: Ah, but Will, she's been dead two years, and that's the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know? Little things like that, that happen. Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about; that's what made her my wife. Boy, and she had the goods on me, too; she knew all my little peccadillos! People call these things imperfections, but they're not. Ah, that's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, Sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy is all about.
Found this piece of writing I had done on my Easter trip home from Texas:
5:30pm Oklahoma Information Center
--Who would pull over for a free cup of coffee?? (Answer: Someone as dopey as me, when tired) Missed it by 30 min. Playground, oh the joy! I had forgotten how soul-happy it is to swing. The girls befriending a girl who doesn't appear to speak English, me spinning them on the merry-go-round. Teaching J. to swing, watching them all try their hand at the monkey bars, J. pretending to be a superhero swinging from buildings. Sunshine, a place to sit, a cool breeze, the sound of birds singing and children laughing. Time and life are ours. Pure bliss.
"Am I living it right?"
I'm not overly embarrassed to say I love this music, John Mayer's acclaimed CD, "Room for Squares". It's perfect for a day like today. Actually, I'm not sure the rest of you know what "a day like today" is like. It's this mood: Every Saturday morning in my childhood I'd awake to sunshine, windows open, cool breezes, good music playing, the smell of something scrumptious cooking, love and warmth and relaxed atmosphere. And we'd clean. Perhaps the cleaning doesn't seem to fit with the rest, but it does for me. And so, in my mind at least, there's a "Saturday morning" feeling, and I have that today, and this is the perfect music for it.
It seems, however, that this beloved CD has been permanently stamped with an association with Him in my mind. After all, He bought it for me, and I listened it to it in His house first. So I smile, but it's a little sad. So strange, how music can capture so much emotion. I feel what it was like then. The entire experience sweeping past my heart in one vague motion, much like a lingering wisp of perfume.
I am driving up 85 in the Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
Just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind
--"Why Georgia" by John Mayer
***** If you pray, in any form, I most seriously ask of you to pray for me, that I continue to have this insight; I don't want to lose sight of what I see right now, lest I hesitate or turn back from the path I'm chosing. Pray that I have the strength, because even when I see what I should do, I don't always go forward.
It is not often you'll find me asking for prayer. I know it isn't exactly emergency, and I'll be up front about that, but it is important. Call me weak, but it's that honestly, without help, I don't know if I can do this, and I know I need to. So that I may live fully, please remember me in your prayers, if you pray. *****
Well *@#%! If that ain't a doozy of some [bad] news! Well shoot. Man, that ain't good!
Well, I've gone on one heck of a funky kick. Strange phase, I should say. I'm always in one sort of phase or another. Per Libra tendencies I tend to be one way for awhile, and go a different way another-- nothing *way* too extreme, but definitely noticeable and in my opinion, all in all my version of being rather balanced. The me you see before you at this point is a combination I'm not sure has stood together before. For one thing, I'm in my very responsible, serious, determined phase. I have these all the time, where I actually realize those things I usually only wish I were doing, where long term goals become clearly focused, the millions of details of life are taken care of, I'm the mother I wish to be, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep at night and all that wholesome stuff. (This me tends to be stressed out and very boring.) And yet, I'm what is usually the flip side as well: I'm feeling wild. Adventurous. "Why not?" is my call. I want to be myself, express myself. I feel I've been entirely too reserved of late with everyone, even some of those I should have felt comfortable enough around. I want to live, and do, and feel, and who cares about what I *should* do? I'll do what I please, thank you kindly.
And I'm content. The things that had been bothering me immensely-- in particular, things involving Him-- just don't bother me much anymore. Everything's cool, fine, toned down, manageable. It's just life. It's not fair or perfect but it's never gonna be, and it's just fine the way it is. Kids here, not here; he does this or that; money, no money-- it's all just perfectly fine. I'm stressed over nothing. I'm just content.
I am unabashedly in love with this song! And boy, am I so excited! I've searched for this song countless times over the years since I first heard it, and I've finally found it!!! (My "three exclamation marks only in cases of extreme joy" comes into play here. I'm just that excited!) Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Here is this lovely, lovely, sweet, simple, touching song from the movie Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin:
[Christopher Robin]
Forever and ever is a very long time, Pooh.
[Pooh]
[laughs] Forever isn't long at all, when I'm with you!
I want to call your name-- forever
And you will always answer, forever
And both of us will be forever you and me,
forever and ever.
[Christopher Robin]
I want to stay like this, forever--
If only I could promise forever...
Then we could just be we, forever you and me,
[both]
forever and ever
[Christopher Robin]
Forever and ever is a very long time, Pooh.
[Pooh]
Forever isn't long at all, when I'm with you!
[Pooh]
I want to be with you, forever
I want you right here beside me, forever
[Christopher Robin]
One thing you should know, no matter where I go
We'll always be together
[both]
forever and ever
Latest little happinesses:
>>The kids and I made donut holes. It was always a special day when my mom or grandma acquiesced and made donut holes for me, and it's been ages since I've done so for my kids. Later we made corn on the cob, baked in foil packets in the oven. The kids were so surprised that corn really was inside those green leaves!
>>Someone I wrote while questioning my wisdom in doing so wrote me back with a very friendly reply.
>>Paul, my friend in England, called the other day, apologized profusely and appropriately as he should have, considering, and promised to make it up to me.
>>He called both yesterday and today, yesterday being to wish me a good day, today being to tell me that the next chance He has he'll fly up here. I was so sure I'd misheard Him I made him repeat himself. I know better than to count on anything anymore but, good or bad, I've got a spark of faith. I don't want to be specific as to what's on my mind, but maybe there's hope for Him. Heck, maybe my prayers (again, no specifics) are being heard. In any case I applaud and encourage anyone who's thinking, taking stock of themselves and their behaviors, no matter how briefly or what the outcome. Thinking is good!
>>I GOT A MASTERCARD! Okay, it's a debit card, but in my opinion this is better. I cannot tell you how many times in the past years I have needed one or all the trouble I've had to go to to bother the use of others'. Now I can order things I need online, buy plane tickets, open accounts that require credit cards, get rental cars... No more worry about checks and cash and money access when I travel, and I can pay for gas at the pump. Whoohoo! Go me!
>>Okay, gotta run for now, 'though my list isn't complete. For a $2 donation to Big Brothers Big Sisters at your local Blockbuster, you can rent all the G and PG rated VHS movies you want until Sept. 1. Cool, eh? Last night we watched Alice in Wonderland and we're off to rent something to watch tonight.
I just put my hair up in pigtails.
Why? Because I just got to thinking I've never done so. I mean, my mom must've done it for me when I was little, but grownups do *not* wear their hair in pigtails. Why, I do not know, but they don't. One can usually get away with a ponytail-- in fact, they can be fashionable-- but pigtails, my oh my, that's just weird. Grownups don't do that! And for both reasons-- that it's something I haven't done and that it's taboo-- my hair is now in pigtails, and yes, I'm going out this way. Let people think what they will. It's yet another part of life I've yet to experience. (I'm not kidding when I say I want to experience everything in life that I can!)
I don't know what it is about being back home that makes me so romantic. I hate romantic; always struck me as overly girly, fictious stuff. And then He came along, and that seemed to wake something up in me... and I find myself sitting here sighing over stupid crap like these lyrics:
"Tomorrow morning if you wake up, and the sun does not appear-- I, I will be here. If in the dark we lose sight of love, hold my hand and have no fear-- I will be here. I will be here when you feel like being quiet, when you need to speak your mind I will listen... and I will be here when the laughter turns to crying, through the winning, losing, and trying we'll be together, 'cause I will be here. Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the future is unclear-- I, I will be here. Sure as seasons are made for change, our lifetimes are made for years. I, I will be here. I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder, when the mirror tells us we're older I will hold you... and I will be here to watch you grow in beauty and tell you all the things you are to me I will be here, I will be true to the promise I have made to you and to the One who gave you to me..."
I mean, my GOODNESS, EGAD, and ICK! What on earth is WRONG with me? This kind of thing couldn't be less me-- I mean, really, and yet here I am listening to this and thinking, Awww!
What I feel I had but lost. A little sad to think about, but oh well. What can one do? Could I have done better? Could I have done more, tried harder, done differently? There's no telling and it's too late now, and life goes on and all that. I have many comforts to hang on to, such as the knowledge that I did everything I could.
"I Could Not Ask for More", Sara Evans
s: hey, how are you?
me: Not bad.
s: thats good.. you back home yet?
me: yes
s: thats good.. so, did you ever reconcile with your bf from texas?
me: Yes and no.
s: well, what does that mean? lol
me: I don't know!
me: We're not officially together, but we're still acting sometimes as if we are.
s: lol.. you are crazzzy..
s: just what he wants...
me: what?
s: not officially together, but, acting like it? usually what a guy wants..lol.. so, basically, you are free to see other people, but, when together, you kiss, have sex, etc?
me: more or less.
- - - -
I'm sitting here frowning. That's a darn good point that was made. Hmph.
Well, I had this nice long blog entry around here somewhere... Grr. Reconstruction:
"How are you?" people ask me. "Pretty good," I say. What should I say? My life, as always, is full of good and bad. I'm fairly happy and satisfied with it at the moment, and, as always, good things are coming my way.
Some examples:
... A new friend floored me with a gift: a CD compilation of all the songs I've mentioned on the blog. Yes, said person has actually read my entire blog... Floored, again I exclaim! (I ought to give rewards to those of you dear souls who have done likewise).
... A friend took me and the kids to the carnival, which was an answer to prayer. Laying on my stomach flying through the air, pretending to be superheroes next to my children-- fun rides, and much needed smiles and laughter!
... I was invited to go to a Renaissance festival, which is cool, but I couldn't go, because I had to work...
... I actually get to work! I love my job, and it's only gotten better since I'm now working three (count 'em! three!) days per week, am learning more bartending by the day, and created a delicious pizza bread concoction which will quickly become a staple of the work day.
... My brother is in town!
... I ran into two very dear, very old friends! One of them was like seeing a ghost. I hadn't seen that kid in AGES. Wow. And then I got to hear live music, and spend time with my mom, and see my cousin's new house, and go to a party, and meet new people... all heavenly. And listening to the band I remembered all over again what pure joy that is for me. I ought to listen to live music more often.
Shutting up now, 'cause I'm suddenly darn tired.
Love to all of you!
"At least you still have your family. It's not like it's the end of the world," my daughter said, telling me it's okay, comforting me with her little arms wrapped around me in hug and the love emanating from her eyes.
"Just don't answer him anymore!" insisted my protective little son.
So far today we've had Justice League hot chocolate, apples with peanut butter-honey dip, bananas, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on whole wheat bread, and Hulk green chocolate milk. We made "Purple Cows" (grape juice concentrate, milk, and ice cream), discussing recipes, following instructions, what "concentrate" means, why "Purple Cow" is a good name for the recipe, what other foods are purple, what would happen if various ingredients were left out, etc. Then the girls wrote similes (MB: "The purple cow is as purple as grape juice." MS: "The purple cow is as sweet as candy.") while J drew me a picture of a boat. Next we read poems that utilize similes and wrote our own poems modeled after what we'd read. We've watched Veggie Tales (good moral discussions there as well as laughs) and Teletubbies. We've played with the cat, colored, sang, hugged and laughed. We've taken time outs and practiced being responsible, picking up after ourselves, taking care of the cat, sharing, being nice, etc.
Life is SO DARN GOOD.
Me: Hey, that's not funny. Let's not joke about people dying.
MB: --unless it's someone who's not in your family who's really mean who tried to kill you.
Snippet of chat today:
F: is it working, tho? despite the distance?
Me: More or less, I think. In any case we do love each other. We always have that, 'though we don't always have much more than that.
From the book I'm currently reading, By the River Piedra, I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho:
"I said a quick prayer, asking the Virgin to help me-- my heart needed no more suffering.
If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."
-(edited entry version; full-length version probably to come)-
I'm in shock, really. Doing both well and poorly, though overall well. I don't understand what happened or what's going on, and my mind processes every detail over and over. All in vain. Does any of this make sense to you?:
"GOD SPARE ME FROM WOMEN WHO ARE SO FULL OF S--T
I HAVE AWAKENED YOU= I have given you a sexual comprehension you never would have ecperienced without me"
"I WILL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. Not with anyone, not with you. Sorry.thats how it is"
(In response to "I've been trying so hard to make your life a better place, to make real all those times I've lamented via chat that I wish I was here to help. I've been giving a lot. I don't feel like I've gotten as much in return."):
"F--k you, you lazy f--king broke @ss %itch with comments like that. ... You are f--ked up."
(In response to " Where went the romance, the desire to share thoughts, the enjoyment of my company, the passion?"):
"I am under too much stress to waste time PRETENDING there is a future here. Give it up."
(In response to "I've been feeling more like an accessory. Criticize me for not bringing this up earlier, but (a) I've been trying to ignore the less-than-pleasant aspects of life and just be happy with how things are, and (b) I've thought I was being "mature" by being able to accept things I don't like. I don't want to be bitchy or petty or complicated, but I'm bored and I'm tired of things as they stand."):
"ACCEPT what you are given. Appreciate what you get. There is no f--king happy ending you moron
%itches like you and [name] think you are SO F--king smart
And you are the irritating losers here"
All this from someone who loves me, all this from someone I love... And he's pissed that I packed up and left in last night? As I said to him on the phone when he called in angry surprise, "Gee, I wonder why I might have done that?"
You have no idea how much this hurts.
There's a great quote in the book I'm currently reading (Veronika Decides to Die by my current favorite author, Paulo Coelho); I wanted to include it here to sum up where I am and what's going on with my life at the moment, but unfortunately do not have it in front of me. I would butcher the quote if I were to try to recreate it. It spoke of how people live as if they have aquired an accumulation from their past and as if they have a future with which to accumulate more, when all you truly have is the present moment. To the best of my ability I'm putting aside my customary constant-running "over-analyzation". I'm never fully comfortable with this idea, but I'm trying not to do much thinking, but to do more living, "enjoying the moment". And I must say the moment is an enjoyable place to be. I'm very content here, more than "very happy", very comfortable. It just feels like life. I don't know if unfortunate or not but it is only temporary. I was thinking again today that I'd move here (to Lubbock, Texas) if I could.
I'm wandering a little. I should speak of the divorce. How do I feel about that? I'm not sure. In the last week before it was finalized I could not describe it better than to say that I felt as if I were in mourning. I realize how strange that is, considering I'm the one who filed, considering that I still don't want to be married to him. But it's sad. Divorce is a sad, sad thing. I realize it opens the door for a new beginning, and I'm glad of it, but... My ex has changed a lot since I left and his better qualities have shined through. He really is an amazing guy in many ways, and as much darkness as accompanied it I will never regret my teenage decision to marry him. I did do a good job in choosing a mate. He is a fine man. He's a good friend and a good father, and someday I ought to write him a better tribute here. But again I wander. The divorce... It's strange. I've thought of myself as divorced for a year and a half or so now, and yet the idea of actually being divorced is foreign to me. I can't quite grasp it, and when I try, I am saddened. I am big on marriage; that is, I don't think it's something to be taken lightly, to say the least. I've always said that I don't "believe in" divorce. That's still true; I've only learned that sometimes it really is the best (and/or only) choice. I can't help but wonder, at times, though, if this was the case for me... It is only because of the children that I pause and reconsider. It absolutely breaks my heart to see how this affects them, in so many more ways than I could have imagined. Still, in case I'm not clear, no, I don't exactly regret my decision, and I do not want to be with my ex again. I think the most precise I can state it is to say that I'm "sorry that it had to be this way". On the other hand, I'm happy. I can't tell you what a weight off it is to have this over with. It has nearly literally hung over my head all this time. There's such a sense of relief to have it over with, especially having the child custody no longer an issue. Oh, the relief! It feels a bit like the beginning of a new life, although that actual starting point was much earlier. It's done. I'm divorced. I'm "single". (Quote marks to indicate that, while not married, I am in a relationship.) I really can't grasp it. I've been-- er, was!-- a married woman for quite close to eight years, and all of my adult life. It's like a bit more of what defines who I am has been removed. Less barriers, less structure, more freedom and open space-- I know I'm being redundant. I'm still trying to "get" it. I'm divorced. So how do I feel about that? Relieved. Saddened. Confused. Not necessarily in that order...
(This entry is not written nearly as well as I'd like; please pardon. I don't have the opportunity to write these days that I'd like, 'else I'd doctor this entry up.)
