July 2003 Archives

From Redbook's "Six Types of Men Who Will Break Your Heart"

"And finally, addicts:
Here's why you should never date anyone who is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a big ole gambler or a huffer of glue: Because, no matter what, he will break your heart.

Contrary to movies of the week, most addicts do not look or act like psychotic mass murderers with Bell's palsy. Your basic addict is not a bad person but is, in fact, too charming. He's sweet, intuitive, pretty and he gives incredible head, since an addict is sensitive, he feels things deeply, he is all exposed nerve endings and empathy.

If he walks down the street and sees a lonely soldier sitting on a stoop, he doesn't just walk on by. No way. He walks on by with his heart breaking, goes home and writes a song about a lonely soldier sitting on a stoop watching a fellow walk by."

Since I try to avoid discussing people on my blog I've been left with not much to say. School is over, thank God thank God! I had a little outlook-changing thought today: My main goal in college has got to be to pass classes and accumulate credits toward my major. Making As has got to be secondary. With my priorities reversed as I had them, making a B seemed like failure. If I focus on the process of passing, an enormous amount of stress will be removed from my shoulders, and good grades will likely follow naturally.

So, on that note, I did it! I passed two more classes! LOL I did well in both. Goodbye and so long, Principles of Financial Accounting and Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences!

I have *so* much to say, and so little time.

Quote heard today:

It is never a mistake to care about somebody.

More soon.

"If people are injured from the use of liquor, the injury arises not from the use of a bad thing but the abuse of a good thing." --Abraham Lincoln

Dilbert comic, July 15, 2003.

Frame 3:
Dilbert: Are all of your problems self-inflicted?
Tina: That's it! I'm adding a chapter about you. [typing] Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!

f: I have a ton of laundry to do myself! wanna help? lol
me: Actually, laundry is one of my 'favorite' chores
f: what?!
f: damn, wanna move in? lol
me: Would you do all the other chores?
f: Yeah. Should I leave the light on for ya?
me: Okay. It's a deal. I'm on my way!
me: (but wondering just how bad your laundry has piled up!)
f: LOL
f: I have 3 loads to do right now
me: Oh GEEZ. That's nothing!
f: ok, well let me give you directions
me: It's a darn good thing I just filled the car with gas.
f: Yes it is
f: might have to do it a couple more times before you get here too
me: Well dang, maybe this *isn't* such a good idea after all. Hmm... What do you like to cook?
f: I'll cook you anything you want
me: Okay, done! I'm on my way.
f: you're moving in, bring the moving truck
me: Aw, darn it, I don't have one. Guess the deal is back off again.
f: do I have to pay for the truck too? lol
me: that depends on your cooking
f: I'll pay for the truck, but you'll still love my cooking
f: hate the laundry, but love the cooking lol
me: heehee I like to cook too you know. You're going to have to leave me some room in the kitchen.
f: ok, I'll leave you a corner lol
me: How about doing the dishes? NO! I know. Here's what I really hate: having to carry my own groceries in from the car.
me: I'll even do all the dishes if I don't have to carry in the groceries.
f: I'll go with you to buy the groceries, load them in the car and unload them
me: I'll vacuum, keep the place straightened up/organized, clean the glass, dust, sweep/mop, do the laundry...but I don't much care for cleaning bathrooms.
f: wanna get married? lol ?
f: the deal keeps getting better lol
me: Aww, but I have kids.
f: the deal keeps getting better

What an amazing thing to say.

Today: I got up extra early, got myself and the kids ready (coffee and all!) and dropped them off at the babysitter's, to make it to school 30 minutes early to participate in research as is required for my stats class (now I have to write a paper about my experience). Went to class, had lunch/studied, went to class. Spent the evening lonely. Yeah, lucky ol' me has someone to help with the kids. Lucky ol' me spent her free time wishing they were here to talk with, to play with, to cook for, to take walks with, to read to, to snuggle with at night.

At home this evening I chatted, answered emails, did homework, took a walk, repotted some plants.

Yesterday the children and I purchased plants, pots, and soil. This morning I showed the children how to repot a plant (a skill I cannot recall learning, though I obviously was taught at some point). We all were amazed by the velvet feel of the soil, the intricate lacing of the roots. A pleasurable experience.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I KEEP FORGETTING TO PUT THIS UP HERE!!!

This is mega news. To keep it short, I've scratched off one of my life goals by learning to make *good* biscuits. I'm a fairly good cook, but this took some practice. I first succeeded in Texas, but unfortunately, no one tasted them, so I had no proof. I next made biscuits with dinner one night when I invited my mother over. The kids loved them, and Mom raved about them. "How did you make these?!" she inquired, and made me give her the recipe. Later, Grandma asked for the recipe as well after hearing Mom's glowing report. Now Grandma can cook, but Mom must have rather highly praised my biscuits. The biggest compliment of all, though, comes from someone I know who is certifiably THE pickiest person in the world, hands down. I invited him to eat biscuits and gravy and he insisted on making the gravy and bought his own (expensive) biscuits. However, after tasting mine, he joked, "If you want to make a few of these and freeze them for me..." saying mine were better than the good store bought ones! I honestly had this little fantasy pass through my mind: what if he, of all people, liked my biscuits? A ridiculous, far fetched fantasy, really. And he loved them! This is the highest, most bestest, grooviest, thrilling compliment. I am SO pleased. One of the greatest pleasures in life for me is cooking for people, and this sort of thing indescribably rocks.

I just got back from taking the kids swimming, and I am so happy. Before I left, I was laying on my back in my bed feeling definitely less-than-happy, with barely the energy to get myself out of my little yuck mood. And yet, knowing me, I had to try. It's too easy for me to snowball into depression. So I determined to do *something*, and I took the kids swimming.

This is noteable for several reasons. First, I'm proud of myself for getting up rather than just taking a big fat nap, which is all I felt up to. Second, I'm proud of myself for correcting my day. Sunday was my one day of the week to read/study/do the homework for over 125 pages of statistics and accounting (no kidding), to clean the entire house (neglected for a week), and spend time with the kids. At 5pm I'd barely touched on any of them, and I was thinking, "I've messed up my entire day." I wanted to give up. Instead, I stopped in my tracks and turned things around. ("You always have choices" has been one of my mottos lately.) Finally, I don't take the kids swimming. That's their dad's job. Taking the kids swimming is just not my thing; it's one of those activities you see only in terms of the work involved. But I have this new job at this hotel, and, I don't know, I took the kids swimming there. And oh, it was nice!

I had intended to swim just for a few minutes and spend the rest of the time watching the kids with a textbook on my lap. I warned them we wouldn't stay long. But by the time it even crossed my mind to check the time we'd exceeded what I'd given as a limit by fifteen minutes. The area was beautiful, the pool was perfect-- it was just perfect. Absolutely perfect.

The kids pretended to be sharks. They decided towards the end that I was a bus, and they'd wrap their arms around my neck and I'd haul them out to the oh-so-scary five foot depth (scary for them, not for me) and back again, where the child would "get off the bus" and the next would get on. And MB learned how to swim!! I taught MB how to swim!! It was absolutely thrilling.

I could go on and on and on about how wonderful and fun it was. Relaxing and invigorating, it was an evening of constant laughter and smiles and pure fun (ended by a trip to the vending machine for treats). I can't wait to do it again.

A most amazing comment has been left for me. See July 15 entry. (Jesse's gave me laugh.)

"I'm seriously happy!" I exclaimed today, trying to emphasize to the customers at the bar how truly happy I was. They could tell. I just was happy and it showed. I went to work tired and not wanting to be there, but I quickly cheered up. And why? Because of all the little things. It was nice talking with my manager, Tom, and I really enjoy my customers. It's a real blessing having the opportunity to meet the variety of people I do. I really feel I take something from it. And as I bring smiles to their faces, I hope I'm giving that much in the very least.

Besides my customers (and that was a very large part of it), I must follow each of these happy events of today with three exclamations to show how truly excited and happy I am about them: I got a bouncy ball in my tip jar!!! Someone made me an origami jumping frog out of a Keno ticket!!! Someone ran to the gas station and brought me CHOCOLATE!!! I bought a miniature barrel of monkeys for 25¢!!! Someone gave me four vending machine rings!!!

As I said, life doesn't get any better than origami jumping frogs. Or bouncy balls, mini-barrels of monkeys, vending machine rings, chocolate, or good company.

Duncan Sheik, "Barely Breathing"

I know what you're doing; I see it all too clear. I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears. You really had me going, wishing on a star. The black holes that surround you are heavier by far. I believed in your confusion, so completely torn. It must've been that yesterday was the day that I was born. Not much to examine. Nothing left to hide. You really can't be serious if you have to ask me why I say good bye.
      'cause I am barely breathing; I can't find the air. I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day. I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that I would pay.
      Everyone keeps asking, "What's it all about?" I used to be so certain, now I can't figure out-- what is this attraction? I only feel the pain. Nothing left to reason, and only you to blame. Will it ever change?
      'cause I am barely breathing; I can't find the air. I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day, but I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that I would pay. But I'm thinking it over anyway... I'm thinking it over anyway.
      Come to find, I may never know. Your changing mind, is it friend or foe? I rise above, I sink below, every time you come and go. Please don't come and go.
      'cause I am barely breathing; I can't find the air. I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day. I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that I would pay. But I'm thinking it over anyway... I'm thinking it over anyway.

Received in email today:

"I totally understand about your valuable time going to areas that are not a priority. [...] You seem like a real nice girl. I wish I could have had the opportunity to know you a little better. But, you are doing the right thing. My vibe from you is that you are a sweet person with a good heart. And people with good hearts are blessed by God."

Wow. That's so sweet. Are the people who have had the opportunity to know me and spend time with me fortunate for having done so? That's hard to imagine, but a very sweet thought.

(not authored by me)

It has been said that the person you will be in five years depends on the books you read, the tapes you listen to, and the people you hang out with, so, who are you now, and what is your five year plan? And your one-hundred year plan?

"My perception of an ideal relationship: Discovering how to share & care for another while understanding one anothers' strengths/weaknesses."

'What I've have learned from my past relationships: To seek for the lessons to be learned, to focus on the positive memories, & to be grateful for the time shared in those precious moments in time." --I like this, as it's a much more positive attitude than most people carry away from a relationship. I feel grateful to have crossed this.

"Nobody says that I have to love anybody forever. That's my choice; it's my love to give. And I loved him, and that's good enough."

"So Far Away," Staind

"These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping"

Tonight's chat:

e.: What is your definition of ambitious?
me: Shoot. I'd say anyone who has given thought to what they want their life to consist of and is actively trying to live is ambitious. If you're trying to live actively, not passively-- it's not about what you *do*, it's sure as hell (pardon my language) not about paid employment.
me: Thank you for asking me that. I've never given it any thought before, all this time I've felt guilty about not being "ambitious" enough.
e.: I see it as someone who goes after what they want and are not ashamed to admit it
me: As long as "whatever they want" is whatever it is that's important to them. It can't be defined soley by how much one is employed, can it?
e.: it has nothing to do with money, that is the problem with the American culture.

The chicken just smoothed his feathers and cackled and said, "Well, that just shows how silly you are! Only silly people would listen to a chicken in the first place. You think a chicken knows something just because he can talk?" --The Silly Chicken, by Idries Shah

Wow, what a day!

I had to work unexpectedly last night, which was good money-wise ($8.28/hr), but sucked because I was more behind than the previous weeks in my understanding of the material covered at school, and frankly, I had a lot I needed to study, not to mention homework to complete (which never got done). Basically, yesterday and today have gone like this: home-school-home-school-work-home-school-home-school-work. Yes, just like that. And now I'm home again.

I got a 17 out of 25 on my third accounting test (today). I'm very disappointed, that being a 68% (for crying out loud!). On the other hand, check this: Class average test score? 52%. To think that most of the class flunked, and flunked badly, doesn't make my 68% look quite so bad.

And then there was my third stats test... I ran out the door with my homework, papers, text book, phone, calculator, drink, purse and keys, locked the door behind me-- have you guessed?-- and the keys were gone. I couldn't get in my car to go to school (exam time), and, my back door which you did not just read is always left unlocked because that would be horribly unsafe and naive, even if I do live in an area where you really can leave your doors unlocked-- was locked. So what did I do? I left a message for my professor, explaining the situation. I tried to call Mom at work, because she has a spare key, and tried her cell phone, and tried each of those numbers again and again. I tried and retried the doors, as if they might suddenly magically open if I got frustrated enough or wiggled them enough. I called information to contact my landlord, who wasn't home. And I sat on my front porch, with a touch of exhaustation, malaise, and stress, and tried not to panic or cry. And then I got one of those "so crazy it just might work" ideas...

I broke into my own home! First I wiggled and pulled and wiggled and pulled until I (oops!) ripped my kitchen window screen apart-- ripped the screen, twisted and broke the frame, I'm feeling all HeMan-ish. I couldn't believe it came off! Then I tried to open the window-- it wouldn't budge. "All that for nothing!" I said to myself. But lo, trying again, going about it a different way, and it opened! The next obstacle was that the window wouldn't open far. You see, I keep some special coffee mugs on the window sill and they were jamming the window. The window was open about 12 inches around my eyesight level or higher. But lucky, lucky me! I'm slim, and with the aid of a cooler, set shakily on its skinny end to maximize the height of this "step stool", I very carefully stood on it and was able, slowly and very painfully, to wiggle across my sinkful of dishes on my stomach. I dove into my own kitchen, and by golly, I DID IT! I'm both proud and ashamed of myself.

I arrived at school with twenty minutes (of a 120 minute class) to take my exam.

I went from there straight to work--oh, so much to tell! I'm getting tired though. I'll leave my story here for now.

Today's lunch was whole wheat tortillas spread with fat-free refried beans and topped with cheddar cheese, served with copious amounts of salsa for dipping, and accompanied by a glass of green tea. See? Sometimes I eat like a dietitian. I say these things for those of you who know me IRL, who might otherwise never believe...

Tonight's dinner is pot roast. One of the good things about going to Texas this last time is it got me thinking about what I can cook for dinner. Yes, that's right. I always claimed I liked baking-- muffins, bread, cake, cookies, pies-- but that I didn't cook much dinner. Well! Since then I've thought of my spaghetti, lasagne, chilli, manicotti, chicken enchildas, meat loaf, mexican casserole, chicken cordon bleu...the list is rather endless, actually, and includes tonight's pot roast. Oh joy! Here's how I cook when I'm just cooking for myself: LOTSA vegetables, a little bit of meat. (Actually, I'm oft inclined to skip the meat altogether if I can.) I piled that crockpot so full of veggies I had to stop so I'd have room for the beef.

Anyway, things are good. Tonight was my first night without the kids in awhile and it was heart-stingingly lonely, but otherwise, pleasant. Things are moving forward with my involvement with Ray's case; I have a new hairstyle and new dishwasher; I'm listening to and learning about Mozart in my free time; I'm surrounded by friends and loved ones. The list of blessings is rather endless, actually.

Work and school plug along. Social life is good, but I'm still not naming names, though several interesting people have come along... I was blessed to run into an old friend/coworker who runs his own newspaper (some of you may have once received from me, via email, a copy of an excellent article about patriotism that he wrote). I say blessed because he's covering the Ray Wood trial and I was able to glean further information than I've had available to me. (Plus it was just darn good to see him again.)

Ray's case is very close to my heart, as I visited his home and family every week for years of piano lessons from his wife, Tina, my teacher and friend. I've made the still-forming decision to do what I can for Ray. I realize I will take heat for this. I realize I will not receive the understanding I seem to thrive on. But I know Ray, and I knew Tina, and I know faith and mental illness, and this is a personal decision, the sort I hear inside me and have learned to listen to and trust. I'm going to do what I can for Ray, and "what I can" and its possibilities is already in progress.

At contention now is the fact that the person sent to take Ray's confession was his minister. Ray was suffering from a psychotic break (wording?) at the time, and the minister, a police officer, was not wearing police uniform but a suit. The question, as stated in the following article is this: "Was he [Ray] coherent enough to know that Vick, at that moment, was not his minister but an officer of the law?"

The hearing resumes July 29 and 30, and I'll be there.

I figure I made over $14/hour tonight, night #2 at the U.I. This is in part because one gentleman gave me a $10 tip, but mostly 'cause it was Karaoke night (what a hoot!). Actually, tonight was notable for many reasons but I'm exhausted and I'm spending a long day in the 100ÜF heat tomorrow at Worlds of Fun with the kids, my "real" dad, and my ex. Should be busy and hot, and hopefully at least a little fun. Knowing how happy the kids will be, I'm sure it will make me happy, too. Happy 4th of July to all!

Found this tidbit I'd saved in an email draft:

"Q: What does it mean when he says he's "not ready" for a serious relationship?

Mr. Answer Man says: Sadly, it means he's not ready for a serious relationship with you .

Think of it this way: if he saw a $100 bill on the sidewalk, would he be "ready" to pick it up? You only want to get serious with a man who thinks you're gold; anything less and you're asking for heartbreak. "

p: you seen the film bruce almighty?
me: Yes!
p: you like it? i thought it was great, and there was a bit in there that totally reminded me of you!
me: I actually did like it. I didn't think I would. But I *really* liked it.
me: Awwwww! Really? Or is that a bad thing?
p: "a mother with two jobs who still managed to make time for her kids....thats a miracle." i instantly thought of you when they said that!
me: AWWWWWW! Oh wow.
me: You've made me teary eyed. lol That's the sweetest, sweetest thing.
p: awww, don't get all soft on me now missie!
p: well, its true though, isn't it! i've always said i've thought you are truly amazing! i know few people that put there kids so firmly at the forefront of their lives! and that bit in the film just made the point very nicely

Since some of you dear souls read this to find out what is going on in my life, and find my entries to be as cryptic as they were intended, I've decided I'll try to include the basics of "what's up" in my life. Exactly HOW I'm going to do this I'm not sure.

Not only is there the "too vague" vs. "too detailed" to deal with, but some of you are in my life, and I try to avoid writing of others too much. I don't feel like I have their permission to broadcast their lives, and that's why I avoid using names. But here goes:

(Please click on "MORE" for news!)

You may remember my Oct. 8 entry regarding my beloved station, 96.5 the Buzz. Tragic news! They're strongly rumored to be quickly approaching their demise! I would greatly appreciate it if you'd CLICK HERE-- it will only take a second-- and add your name to the request that 96.5 the Buzz be kept alive.

A million thanks!

I am so mad at myself for letting him get to me. Why the ---- did I fall for that old trick? I'm such a fool for softening one more time. At least it hurts exponentially less each time (if you can say this hurts at all), but that neat little benefit comes with a fair amount of cost. The next time someone asks me why the heck I'm still bothering with the whole thing, instead of saying "I love him" I think I'll reply "I don't know."