Paraphrased from Riding in Cars With Boys:
Mother, yelling: I thought we were supposed to be a team!
Son, yelling: No, I'm supposed to be the kid, and you're supposed to be the mother!
August 2003 Archives
Never has the Texas guy, in all he's done, disappointed me more than he did the other day. After a length of silence between us he began a conversation telling me he's waiting for me. He told me he'd take any part of me that he could get, whatever scraps I can throw his way, just to have some of me. Aww... It was almost touching-- until I realized that he was only talking about sex. It was like that old Chinese fortune cookie joke: "I love you--" Texas guy says, "--in bed!" "I would love to see you again--in bed!" "I love spending time with you and talking to you--in bed!" "I want whatever I can have of you--in bed!"
When I asked him, with sex not being an option, if he'd be willing to offer me his friendship, he scoffed. "Oh yeah, I guess I could ask you once a month how you're doing," he said sarcastically. "What on earth would we talk about?"
Um, yeah.
So...
So there's this guy. The New Guy. [smiles] I can't help the timing in meeting him, okay? Believe it or not, things do just happen in life sometimes. So here he is. [smiles again] I really don't want to gush, lest it sound trite; I know time will prove it out anyway. And I really don't *need* to gush: things with him just are, and they're so comfortable, and so secure, it goes beyond words. The New Guy is a real friend, the very best kind, and I couldn't ask for more than that.
Well, there's a new Someone in my life. He left today after his "weekend" with me turned into "over a week". This is his second visit here.
I've had this blog entry open for literal hours. I think I'm too tired to say (or to be trusted to say properly) what I want to say, so I'll leave it at this and continue when rested.
"I want to be with you-- well, I don't believe in forever anymore. I want to be with you today, and tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that. And of course, the day after that."
Here's the situation: There's the guy I fell in love with, the oft spoken of gentleman in Texas. There's the guy I'm seeing now. Here's the aspect of this situation I want to speak of: Being with the guy I'm with now, I can "be myself," an overused phrase that means that I can relax. I can get excited about the little things in life that make me happy. I can ramble about whatever my heart desires. I can wear old, oversized t-shirts and ponytails if I need to. I can basically run about my life just as I would've were he not here and endure nothing but pleasant company (no criticism). The way I am is okay. In fact, he sees all that and he's still fond of me.
As perfect as that sounds, I think part of the appeal to the Texas guy is in that striving to be perfect. Sure, when I'm around him I don't talk much. I'm reserved, highly guarded. I'm still me, though, or an aspect of me, anyway. I'm the "on display" me, what I'd like to call the "magazine" me. I strive to be always beautiful, graceful, charming, kind, hard working...the perfect girlfriend, the perfect hostess, the perfect homemaker, the perfect mother. Now of course I'm far from perfect any of those things, but there's something satisfying in the striving and partial achievement of them. I enjoy the "encouragement," the push to do more and be "better".
My own behavior is too frighteningly akin to a "battered woman", comfortable as it is to me. I'm the sort of person who, instead of objecting to the criticism, sickly beams with the praise, which seems all the more joyous because I pleased this person who isn't always pleased by me.
[To Be Continued]
"I'm not like this around him," I said. "I can't be like this around him. He wouldn't like me."
- - -
Tomorrow is the first day of school for the girls. As every year, as with every milestone, I am in disbelief. MB is now a second grader and MS is in first grade. At least they're in the same building now. No more driving across town trying to accomodate them both.
Okay, forget you read this. I'm having a "suddenly too alone" night and I'm watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, a show I saw for the first time Tuesday night in Texas and now heartily endorse. In tonight's episode the straight guy is going to be proposing to his fiancee, which is really not a topic I needed to see on a night like tonight. I just keeping thinking, Oh, how romantic would that be, if someone wanted to marry me! Analyzing the emotions, I think I just want someone to want me, want me so that they don't want to let me go. It's a romantic idea.
Main Entry: roÖmanÖtic
Function: adjective
1 : consisting of or resembling a romance
2 : having no basis in fact : IMAGINARY
3 : impractical in conception or plan
4 a : marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized
"I want you to want me; I need you to need me; I'd love you to love me..." --Letters to Cleo
Near the end of my trip to Texas I took care of all five children (my three and his two, ages 2-7) for a day. That - was - awesome! I declared it rainbow day.
First we played along with the highly interactive Dora the Explorer, which happened to be my favorite episode (Boots the monkey's birthday-- Can we sing "Feliz Cumplea³os for the Grumpy Old Troll who lives under the bridge and shout "ƒEspera!" in time to save the cake from being trampled by the Spanish speaking horse on the stairs? Oh yeah!) As the show went on all the children awoke and we started the day with special rainbow Fruit Loops bought especially for the occasion and glasses of colored milk. [Warning: nutritionist talk ahead] For lunch we had "rainbow sprinkled" quesadillas: a bright colored vegetable medley was put through the blender to create "sprinkles", served with cheddar cheese inside whole wheat tortillas with salsa for dipping. We also had orange applesauce (no sugar added peach applesauce) and (100%) juice. Other snacks included rainbow sugar cookies that I had baked, rainbow bonbons, and rainbow cut apples with a peanut butter cloud-- all relatively low sugar, nutrient dense foods. We painted paper plates and colored fins to assemble rainbow fish, and caught rainbows in our hands and on our clothes as we projected a "rainbow" from a pan of water and a mirror. The kids played inside and outside, watched a movie, and took a nap. I cleaned down the table, and chairs; did a couple loads of laundry and dishes; straightened up the kitchen, living room, and bedroom; swept and mopped the floors... just typical stuff. It wasn't anything extraordinary other than it was just a darn pleasant day.
I love my children, and I love his.
I tell you, it's a strange experience driving directly from his house in Texas to mine in Missouri. The connection, the strange distance-erasing feeling that a twelve hour drive created... it was like I drove from his house to mine on the same block, and yet it was like driving from one world to another.
The big question: What is the result of the trip to Texas?
The big answer: I couldn't tell you, because I don't know.
Are we together? I don't know, but I don't think so. "I don't have a boyfriend," became a common refrain in response to questions and comments while I was on vacation. I don't. To be perfectly honest, and although I will deny this, a large part of me certainly does wish I did, but I don't, and I don't want one. [wink] Once, some guy slinging flattery my way remarked with exaggerated incredulity that he was surprised I didn't have a boyfriend and asked me how this could be. I replied, "I haven't met anyone I want to commit to who's willing to commit to me." I don't know if this is a situation that has changed or not.
Maybe it's just me and... maybe it's just me to feel sad when a relationship ends. I was, if you remember, very sad when my divorce finalization drew near. This did not mean I didn't want the divorce. I felt more like I was mourning the loss of the good parts of the relationship and the conclusion of a significant period of my life. And last night it was time too say my goodbyes to the guy in Texas I've filled my blog in discussion of. Somehow, it rather took me by surprise when, after making it clear in more ways than one that I was saying goodbye, he let me go. Perhaps I thought I'd keep resisting and he'd keep persuing.
And suddenly, as he's wishing me the best of luck with the guy I'm seeing, and we stand to hug, I find I can't bring myself to let go.
But I must, no? Sudden emotion shouldn't make me second guess what I know...should it? Nagging sadness shouldn't fill me with doubt, make me pause and think, "but what if I'm wrong?" I convinced myself it was okay (June 20) to give up and part with someone you love. Is it?
You know, there's always this issue of my having children. It can get tiresome, the stigma--me, a "woman with kids"-- but never so much so that I resent having them. Still, sometimes I want the world to know that I'm not looking for someone to take on my kids. You can hang out with me or talk to me without having to change diapers or tutor my daughter in math. They are *my* kids, and I am not about to let anyone get flightily involved in their lives, let alone push them on anyone.
Guys who are gung-ho about this ready-made family thing sometimes frighten me. I tend to think they're clueless, even as nice as it is to hear. I mean, some men see it as an *asset* that I have children, or at least admire me for it, and that's encouraging. It seems normal to me, however, to meet someone who says they're not ready, or aren't sure that they're ready, for kids. I've thought about this quite a bit lately, and here's what I've concluded: You're never ready for kids. Sometimes people reach a point where they think they're ready for kids. But you're never ready. Sometimes, it just happens to you anyway, and sometimes, you just cope, and sometimes, if not always, it's the best thing.
So here I am in Texas. Entirely weird. I not only can't make decisions, I can't decide what decisions should be based upon, if anything. Why do we make decisions on what sort of "future" a relationship has? How do we know what future exists, and how much of it is "enough" to bother continuing? Okay, I'm being cryptic again, aren't I? Here it is more plainly: A future with this guy in Texas...sure, we could have a future. I can see us together for years, even married, living a decently happy quality of life. The new guy, it's hard to imagine us being together for years. In fact, I'm not sure what sort of future we have together. But surely I cannot make decisions one way or the other based solely on this, can I? Who is to say that either future that I envision is accurate? Who is to say the length of relationship with the guy in Texas outweighs the quality and benefit of the relationship with the other? And where do the kids fit into this? It would surely be fair to make decisions based on what is best for them. What they want is for me to be with the guy in Texas. He is really good to them and really cares about them, and I can't help but be awed by someone who understands all too well the reality of what caring for children entails and still genuinely wants mine.
I don't mean to sound so dramatic. I could easily continue a relationship of some sort with both. However, knowing the feelings I have, a clear decision must be made.
Updates to the blog have been less frequent for several reasons, not the least of which is that I'm not quite sure what to do with it anymore. I don't want to cause any problems for anyone by "naming names," but the previous entry was to indicate that there's a new someone in my life. How this will play out or what this means I don't rightly know; "new" is the operative word. But it's so deeply pleasurable to meet someone like this I can't help but mention it, so for what it's worth, there it is.
I'm gearing up to go to Texas ("for the last time", I claim). He (the guy in Texas) called today with what sounds like the commitment that I had always wanted-- the simple decision that he wanted me. It's too late, I'm afraid. I'm the queen of forgiveness, second, third and fourth chances, but really... really the heart of the matter is I'm a healthier person now, less needy, and I don't have any (okay, little) trust or faith left in him. Further, I'm not willing to take the chance "one more time". I don't want any more of the same, don't want to see how long his new behavior can last, don't want my heart broken again. As someone so nicely stated today: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I'm a dumbass." That's me, the dumbass. Or was. I've been praying for strength and guidance for some time now, the "letting go" prayer, originally inspired by a prayer spoken in Bruce Almighty (mentioned just in case you know what I'm talking about). I'm amazed but I think the praying really helped; had it not I would be crumbling at his romantic promises. They are lovely, I do believe in his sincerity, but I don't know that I should do it one more time. I think our past is irretrievable.
I've been trying to cultivate more strength coupled with grace, rather than anger. At first I dealt with injustices and hurt feelings with anger. I'm not going to curse people with bad wishes any further, or at least, as little as I can. I've been trying to let go of anger and other negative emotions, even down to catching myself in a grouchy mood. What's the point? I don't care that this sounds corny, either. I believe in ideals such as love, grace, and honesty and though I'm as far from perfect as the rest of you it doesn't hurt to strive for them. (And I don't care how unbelievable that sounds, either.)
The last time I mentioned "him" online all hell broke loose [heavy exaggeration], so I dare not breathe his name or even a discernible mention of "him" yet. I just wanted to let you know that he is definitely worth mentioning.
Smiling,
-me-
