December 2003 Archives

Trying not to be upset about my "not straight A" grades. Crossed something on the net that said it perfectly: "I hate knowing that i COULD HAVE made an A but instead i have to be satisfied with what i got. I mean if i was stupid or scatterbrained, or had some other problem I would just be happy with a B, but im smart and i have the ability to make an A. Next semester.....i will try harder, thats my only saving grace."

I have to make conscious effort not to hate myself for my grades, or give up school completely. If I let myself think about it too hard I want to do both. I cannot begin to tell you how darn pathetic it is that I'm making anything less than all As. If I could beat myself up for it I would.

You may remember me writing about my (ex)father-in-law, a man I consider one of my dads. I just spoke to my ex who has informed me that the doctor says "it doesn't look good". FIL is suffering from a battery of symptoms and complications that seem to suggest his body is rejecting the bone marrow. When the doctor was asked if FIL would make it until Christmas, he only shrugged his shoulders. He added that if FIL should survive his quality of life is expected to be very poor.

I am very sad.

Weird how you come across things on the internet. Here I sit doing meatloaf research, and I find this. I like this.

While I have so far definitely passed three out of my four classes, the last grade pending is pretty definitely a passing one as well. :-) I wish I could say I made straight As, but what's important here is I completed the semester, despite some horrid setbacks. Next semester will be better.

My God, the joy and happiness in unexpectedly coming across this bit of info online: I got a C in Food Systems Management! Considering the bulk of things that never got completed for one reason or another (long story(ies)), I am unendingly grateful for the mercy and adjustments that must have ensued to get me this passing grade.

On the other hand, I don't mention the deep-seeded ball of self-loathing and disappointment that would bring me to tears if I didn't keep it tightly chained. A 'C'?! There's no reason on earth why I should have given such a pathetic and disgusting performance. But again, I shush before that line of thinking gets out of control.

(further grades pending)

DH: how's school coming along?
me: So so
DH: well, that's better than horrible i guess
me: Yep! I'm one step above horrible!

It's a snow day. The kids and I are cozy, watching one of my favorite movies. It's so exciting, them watching it for the very first time, pointing out the things that make it so great, discussing how movies evoke the emotions they do... just sitting together, talking, enjoying our day. It's a day with such a lovely cloak around it-- warm, comfortable, homey, family, love-enveloped-- it's an all-things-good, all-the-important-stuff-in-life sort of day. (The kind of day I used to enjoy regularly as a stay-at-home mom.)

I want, more than anything, to watch this whole movie with the kids. To cook breakfast and lunch, to fold the laundry, to make "countdown to Christmas" and other crafts with the kids, to read books... and it's killing me, but I have two finals tomorrow, neither of which I have really begun to study for. If I spent every second of the day studying for these exams it wouldn't be enough, and is most certainly called for, and yet I find myself sitting on my floor snuggling with my kids instead.

Last weekend I fell in love.

I fell in love with a painting. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I'm desirous. Enamored. Lusting. The New Guy and I had a lovely getaway last weekend, worthy of it's own entry when I have the time to do it justice. We visited art galleries, and that's where I met her. Him. It. Whatever. I couldn't stop looking at her, couldn't stop thinking about her. She haunts me, and I must have her.

I'm going crazy with this lack of sleep and finals week. It's all so muddled and demanding and I feel so totally alone. It's me in my schoolwork black hole. I wish someone'd come join me, or help me out, or otherwise take a bit of the edge off of this. Yes, flat out, I'd like some understanding and sympathy and encouragement. I feel so alone, like the weight of far too much is on my shoulders. If I weren't completely zoned out by the lack of sleep and countless hours staring at my computer screen I'd be utterly miserable. As it is, I'm more of a fairly miserable zombie.

"I'm just going to go collapse. See which happens first-- crying or sleeping."

This is the girl I want to be!
"I know a girl, she puts the color inside of my world"

from "Daughters", by John Mayer, which also contains this:
"On behalf of every man looking out for every girl
You are the god and weight of her world"

In chat today:

Question: are things ok w/you two?
Answer: Yeah. I don't know, being with him isn't like being with anyone else I've been with so I never know what to make of it. We're happy. He makes me feel safe and cared for and loved, attractive and liked and respected and interesting and intelligent. (sorry, got carried away)

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By weird twist of google I've just crossed this joke, from http://www.salisburypost.com/2000february/021300q.htm:

"It made me think of a joke Himself used to tell. He always told it about an Italian construction worker because he liked to use the Italian accent, but it could be anybody.

Every day the construction worker sits with his buddies, opens his lunch box and curses the peanut butter sandwich he finds. 'IÌma hate a peanut butter sandwich,' he says. Every day he says, 'Mama Mia, another peanut butter sandwich. IÌma hate a peanut butter sandwich.'

Eventually his buddies canÌt stand it any more, so one of them says, 'Why donÌt you ask your wife to make you some other kind of sandwich?'

'IÌma no married,' the Italian says. 'IÌma make-a my own peanut butter sandwich.'"

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right. And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face."

-- Alanis Morissette

I thought once I survived that school crunch I described a week or two ago that school would be okay. Instead I find myself in the midst of a week of "big projects". All these semester-long mega-projects are due this week in the forms of papers and presentations, and I find myself feeling horribly clueless (what exactly is it I'm supposed to be turning in?) and behind. Instead of falling apart from the stress I find myself sticking my head in the sand. The blissful avoidance isn't good, but somehow it seems a bit better than depressively falling apart.

I need a saviour for this school situation. I'm not sure if I'll successfully complete the semester any other way.