I wish I knew why some days are like today. I feel so good, so normal, so like myself. Life is full of possibilities, the weather ('though rainy) is perfect. Everything is beautiful-- the music on the radio, the sound of my children building a "house" out of boxes I cleaned from my room. The day seems to have plenty of time, and the tasks I choose to fill it with are no longer chores, but things I want to do. (Whatever I do is my choice!) I got up this morning and made Good Morning Muffins (shredded carrots, coconut, raisins, and yogurt) and Chai. I did the dishes. I took a luxurious pampering, incense scented bubble bath without feeling stressed. I put on a blouse I've been "saving" for a special day (It's cliche to say that every day is a special day, but really, what am I waiting for?) I feel good about myself-- I'm as far from perfect as ever, but today I feel pretty and young and confident and full of hope. Everything is manageable. I don't need anyone or anything to feel "happy" or "complete". I'm in love with this feeling, that life is mine to spend as I choose, and I can indeed live it.
March 2004 Archives
Case Style: State of Missouri, Appellant, v. Raymond E. Wood, Respondent.
Case Number: WD63266
Handdown Date: 03/23/2004
Appeal From: Circuit Court of Johnson County, Hon. Jacqueline Annette Cook
Opinion Summary:
Division One holds: Sufficient evidence was presented to support the court's ruling that Wood's confession was the product of coercive government conduct.
"[C]ertain interrogation techniques, either in isolation or as applied to the unique characteristics of a particular suspect, are so offensive to a civilized system of justice that they must be condemned under the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment." Miller v. Fenton , 474 U.S. 104, 109, 106 S.Ct. 445, 449, 88 L.Ed.2d 405 (1985) . Such is the case here. Knowing that Mr. Wood had a history of mental illness, that he was probably suffering from mental illness on February 14, and that he was deeply religious, law enforcement officials' decision that Major Vick, Mr. Wood's personal friend and spiritual advisor, would act as his interrogator constituted coercive police conduct. By strategically selecting Major Vick to interrogate Mr. Wood, when he would not otherwise have been the interrogator, for the explicit purpose of exploiting the pastoral relationship existing between Major Vick and Mr. Wood, particularly knowing of Mr. Wood's questionable ability to discern reality, the trial court could reasonably conclude that the State transgressed the boundaries of the Fourteenth Amendment Due Process Clause and the Fifth Amendment right against self incrimination.
(see links for more info)
I've done little more these days of spring break than be a mother, homemaker, and girlfriend, and I've been thinking that I could and maybe should do this "for a living". I love taking care of my home and my loved ones... as long as some sort of intellectual and social stimuli were included, I think I'd be a blissful girl. My entire day was consumed in the following:
Cooking: making Banana Oatmeal Breakfast Brulee (a great recipe-- cheap, quick, easy, nutritious, delicious), preparing snacks, fixing a meal of corned beef and cabbage (and potatoes and carrots), Irish soda bread, green lemonade and green lemon bars for dessert
Parenting: having discussions with my son, listening to the girls' stories of leprechaun mischief at school, calming and doctoring a child who fell, mediating fights, reviewing report cards, insisting on homework and toothbrushing and being nice (etc.)
Housework: dishes, laundry, light pickup
Fun: bathed, dyed my hair with results that I insist are too yellow and what everyone else around here insists looks good, dressed (in green), looked "pretty" (that is, nicer than I *could* have looked). Attached a note to TNG's coffee cup. Watched tv, played Scrabble with TNG, etc.
There's more but I'm tired.
I feel good today. I feel like my usual self, like I usually do these days with life with TNG. These are the days that never get recorded.
We woke up after a restful night's sleep, no alarm. We lay spooned, side by side, and talked about what we had dreamt. We lay face to face and talked about our projects, advising one another, tossing ideas about. We lay in each other's arms and talked about how to spend our day. "There's not a single bad thing in the day ahead of us," I said.
We got up. He made coffee, I made biscuits (from scratch, and I think I've improved-- I made them more buttery). He's working on a new website. I'm intending to start on some schoolwork here in a second.
The radio is on, we're listening to music, sipping good coffee, eating good biscuits, pursuing our interests, working, he on his computer and me on mine, inevitable for two people who first met online.
There are all these things I've encountered today which I feel are too personal to be detailed here but which added up to bring into glaring spotlight the state of my life and the effect of the choices I have made.
Truth to be told I am barely getting by. I'm not sure that I have enough money to pay my bills. Since the restaurant I worked at closed (and I quit one of my other jobs and was gradually displaced from the third) I've been unemployed, but not eager to get another job because I find, with the free time, I'm finally, finally having a successful semester. All this time I've been mostly spinning my wheels at school, getting further and deeper stuck in the mud and debt. And now, finally, I'm moving towards graduation.
I found out today a certain thing is contingent on my working twenty hours a week and I don't know what to do. I need the "thing", I need that help, I can't get by without it, but I can't get by in school while working that much.
And then there's my kids. Now that I'm on spring break I set out last night to do nothing but spend time with my kids. Not a single "I'm busy", "I'm studying," or "I can't, I'm writing a paper". I had begun the evening feeling rather awful, and in short time I was so deeply happy. Last night with my kids was one of the best nights ever, as was the time I've spent with J. today. I've been reminded again of just absolutely phenomenal my kids are. They're such special, talented, thinking, thoughtful, and caring people. They've done nothing but amaze me. It's almost as if school and raising my kids are completely incompatible. I miss parenting. Damn it, I'm a great mom and it is nothing short of a crime for all of us that I'm "too busy with school" to raise them.
One would think this is all temporary, that if I can just struggle through I'll have my degree. But as I've addressed in a previous post, then what? I don't have the money for an internship, and regardless, I don't have the grades. My grades very well reflect the things I've been through. How much I've struggled! And even if I did get an internship and go on to work as a dietitian, it's not as if I'll be any better off. By that point I'll be so far in debt with school and with all the help and support I receive being removed-- I'll be expected to be able to handle everything-- and I won't be much better off than I am now. It'll be me with a higher income and debt to match.
There isn't a great answer to any of this. I can go back to working several jobs, obviously, but then the grades, the kids and I suffer. Or I can not work so much, and the kids and grades only suffer a little, but I can't get by. Or who knows. It's just life, it's just my life. This is what I've done with my life, this is the sum of my decisions.
I stopped by my ex's house to drop off J. My ex is such a good person. He knows me so well, he knew something was wrong, even though I didn't think I showed it, and he wanted to know. I told him and--he utterly amazes me--I could see on his face his contemplating how he can help me. My troubles trouble him. He's as seriously and genuinely concerned as only the closest of friends or family would be. *I* put myself in this situation, wrecked our family and darn near killed him in my leaving, and the only thing he can think of when he hears my bad news is what he can do to help me.
Looking back, I don't know how I could have done things differently with him and I can't say that I wish I had. I can't help but think, however, of what I've done, to him, to the kids, and to myself, how life would be if I had stayed in my marriage as I believe people should. That's too personal to detail here, too. Anyway, "what might have been" isn't something to ponder, the grass is always greener on the other side, things are always glossy in hindsight, and I'd rather be appreciative of the life I have than dream of ways it maybe-coulda been different. I don't want to be with him, I don't want to die... if anything I'm simply and somewhat sadly resigned. Times like these make me wonder if my people-family-experiences focused lifestyle is really living. You can't get by on these.
I JUST WANT TO DANCE. I never have time or I'm not home or things aren't right, and then tonight, just when I finally am in the mood and have a moment to relax and can go in my room and shut the door, fresh out of the shower, put on a dress, my "jingle belt", and good bellydance music, something happens. Something always happens. Is God conspiring against me, or do I need to try harder?
I just want to vent. This is so frustrating! I'm sitting here trying to reason myself into being mature about the situation. After all, as my mom would say, there's nothing I can do about it now, and all I can do at this point is the best I can with what I have. Still... I've never dealt well with life being unfair, and this just isn't.
I've been taking notes in my classes which require vigorous, can-hardly-keep-up notetaking by typing them on The New Guy's computer. When reformatting his computer or whatever he was doing, my notes accidentally got erased. Here I sit trying to prepare for tomorrow's exam and I'm missing four day's worth (approximately eight pages) of notes. This happens to be one of those teachers who tests over the lectures, the kind who frowns upon book information because she "told you in class". She said X and X in lecture, and she wants you to repeat X and X back to her on the exam. I feel so defeated I don't even want to begin attempting to study. What's the point? If I don't have the information I don't have it. The best I can do is scour outside resources in an attempt to come up with information that will get me partial credit. 300 minutes worth of class time down the tubes.
If it's anyone's fault it's mine, for not having gone home those very evenings and printed the notes out and studied them. Silly women. I just want to cry.
An update to let you know I'm still around. TNG and I took the kids to a free carnival at the university this morning and went to the local annual bellydance show this evening (sans kids). We also stopped and at a diner which doesn't seem to have changed even a little since they began in 1947. Wheel-Inn Drive In, home of the Guberburger-- hamburgers with peanut butter.
Things are good. Kids are fine, school is good, TNG's great, etc.
