There are all these things I've encountered today which I feel are too personal to be detailed here but which added up to bring into glaring spotlight the state of my life and the effect of the choices I have made.
Truth to be told I am barely getting by. I'm not sure that I have enough money to pay my bills. Since the restaurant I worked at closed (and I quit one of my other jobs and was gradually displaced from the third) I've been unemployed, but not eager to get another job because I find, with the free time, I'm finally, finally having a successful semester. All this time I've been mostly spinning my wheels at school, getting further and deeper stuck in the mud and debt. And now, finally, I'm moving towards graduation.
I found out today a certain thing is contingent on my working twenty hours a week and I don't know what to do. I need the "thing", I need that help, I can't get by without it, but I can't get by in school while working that much.
And then there's my kids. Now that I'm on spring break I set out last night to do nothing but spend time with my kids. Not a single "I'm busy", "I'm studying," or "I can't, I'm writing a paper". I had begun the evening feeling rather awful, and in short time I was so deeply happy. Last night with my kids was one of the best nights ever, as was the time I've spent with J. today. I've been reminded again of just absolutely phenomenal my kids are. They're such special, talented, thinking, thoughtful, and caring people. They've done nothing but amaze me. It's almost as if school and raising my kids are completely incompatible. I miss parenting. Damn it, I'm a great mom and it is nothing short of a crime for all of us that I'm "too busy with school" to raise them.
One would think this is all temporary, that if I can just struggle through I'll have my degree. But as I've addressed in a previous post, then what? I don't have the money for an internship, and regardless, I don't have the grades. My grades very well reflect the things I've been through. How much I've struggled! And even if I did get an internship and go on to work as a dietitian, it's not as if I'll be any better off. By that point I'll be so far in debt with school and with all the help and support I receive being removed-- I'll be expected to be able to handle everything-- and I won't be much better off than I am now. It'll be me with a higher income and debt to match.
There isn't a great answer to any of this. I can go back to working several jobs, obviously, but then the grades, the kids and I suffer. Or I can not work so much, and the kids and grades only suffer a little, but I can't get by. Or who knows. It's just life, it's just my life. This is what I've done with my life, this is the sum of my decisions.
I stopped by my ex's house to drop off J. My ex is such a good person. He knows me so well, he knew something was wrong, even though I didn't think I showed it, and he wanted to know. I told him and--he utterly amazes me--I could see on his face his contemplating how he can help me. My troubles trouble him. He's as seriously and genuinely concerned as only the closest of friends or family would be. *I* put myself in this situation, wrecked our family and darn near killed him in my leaving, and the only thing he can think of when he hears my bad news is what he can do to help me.
Looking back, I don't know how I could have done things differently with him and I can't say that I wish I had. I can't help but think, however, of what I've done, to him, to the kids, and to myself, how life would be if I had stayed in my marriage as I believe people should. That's too personal to detail here, too. Anyway, "what might have been" isn't something to ponder, the grass is always greener on the other side, things are always glossy in hindsight, and I'd rather be appreciative of the life I have than dream of ways it maybe-coulda been different. I don't want to be with him, I don't want to die... if anything I'm simply and somewhat sadly resigned. Times like these make me wonder if my people-family-experiences focused lifestyle is really living. You can't get by on these.
It is but another week and and another day. You are somewhat introspective, and I wonder if that is always a good thing. As we await Martha's sentencing, I realize that, just like her, I have to take one day at a time, come what may. When things get to be too bothersome, I might just go buy some flowers and plant them. I find satisfaction in that. I know I have done something that will bring me some joy later. But then, there could be another freeze...
"if...people-family-experiences focused lifestyle is really living." This is maybe the biggest insight on these pages... at least in a long long time. It's insightful on several levels.
First of all, this question arises: is your lifstyle actually focused on people-family-experiences? That encompasses a lot. Clearly it's focused on experiences. But what about people and family? Yes, experience usually involve people and family. But you say (just a paragraph earlier) "*I* ... wrecked our family and darn near killed him in my leaving". Yes, your kids are clearly important to you. But you admit your family suffered at your hand.
What about people... other people? I guess it's hard for me to say. Obviously, you and TNG are getting along great. I wouldn't really know how your relationships with other people are. But the most important ones, the ones with your own family, are 'experiencing' the results of your decisions. That's a heavy weight we all carry, and based on these pages, I'd say that "people-family-experiences" is really "experiences".
Second, you're right, you can't get by just on experiences. Is 'experiences' based living really living? I suppose it all depends on what your experiences are. But inherent in the modern day interpretation of 'experiences' (and you fit the mold to a 'T'), they are significantly emotionally driven. There's nothing wrong with emotions, but they should follow, not lead. When they lead, sometimes we don't make the best decisions.
And when we make bad decisions, that's not 'really living'. Plato's worth a read as far as that goes. Virtue and justice are important. Plato didn't have it all right, but the major ideas in his thinking were pretty much right on (IMO anyway). The best life is the virtuous and just life. I know this because I've lived a little of both.
I know you want much more out of life than just getting by. And truly it's all at your finger tips...
Enjoyed the update (and the next couple, too). You made me think... ;)