April 2004 Archives

I cried myself to sleep last night, but I also resolved to live today well. No more of that crying nonsense!

So far I've filled out a job application, done laundry and dishes, got my windshield wiper fixed and oil changed, volunteered at the Lighthouse, turned in the girls' summer school enrollment forms, returned two books to the library, made an appointment to get my car inspected, and emailed several professors of classes I made incompletes in to see about the possibility of making arrangements so I could finish them. I'm looking at graduation, you know!

So I have working windshield wipers! Hurrah! It's funny, though. They're still not entirely fixed. There's a piece that sits underneath them that has lost its screws during all this mess, so there's a loud clicking noise when in operation. But they work!

Here's the really funny part. Next time I say, "Things are going well," laugh at me and say, "Stupid girl!" When it rains it pours, and I should have known better than to think things were finally better.

Turns out my car's about to die. "Trade it in while it still has some value before the motor blows," I'm told. Trade it in? I can't even afford windshield wiper blades! I'm supposed to get another car? "When does your insurance expire?" he asks. "It was two years, I think, so Novemeber, I reply. "Well, you'd better hope that motor goes out fast, then," he tells me. It all has something to do with water getting into the oil, byproducts accumulating, and a bad seal somewhere. I need a new car or a new motor. Also, the brakes are beginning to wear...

So added to my list of things to do now includes (a) complaining to the Better Business Bureau about the lovely gentleman who sold me this car (read old entries to see the history), and (b) putting myself on the list at Vo-Tech to get the engine rebuilt for $800. A bargain, I'm told. "I don't think she can do that," says Shay. "She doesn't have $800! I think she's gonna have to wait awhile."

Ah, but life doesn't give you "awhile" to prepare for things sometimes, does it?

So I investigate this Vo-Tech thing and register my BBB complaint as first steps toward this crisis. I don't know what else to do. But I'll be fine.

It's raining today, and my car has no windshield wipers. Actually, thank goodness, as I remembered on the walk back to it from school, it now has one. "I'm saved!" I thought. "I can drive home!" Funny thing (and it is comical), the working wiper is on the passenger side. Imagine: it pushes all the rain onto my side of the window. I drove home slowly and carefully, leaning way over so I could see out the passenger side of the windshield. Luckily I know these roads "like the back of my hand", so glimpses from the clear side and warbled views through my side were enough to get me home.

It's taken months to get this wiper problem fixed. First it was too cold and icy, then we thought one thing was wrong, then another, and finally (this should fix it) another. It's taken a team of people much effort to get it to the "one working wiper" stage, and I'm very grateful to them. I was supposed to get it fixed today after school, ironically, but it was raining. Go figure.

I've now completed two finals (four to go) and one of three presentations. Finally have time to clean house...

My first night totally alone in one heck of awhile. It's both freeing and empty. Pretty lonely.

Regarding my last entry, it's not as if my children have ever lacked a thing a day in their lives. They've had continual shelter, food, clothing, shoes, toys...they've been all over the country on vacation and to Disneyworld. More importantly, they've had love and attention heaped upon them by their father and I as well as their grandparents and other family members. They have bikes, books, movies, games, and all the stuff kids have. They're fine, eventually I'll be an RD and then we'll be even more fine.

For a moment, can I not count my blessings? Can I just acknowledge that life is kind of hard sometimes? Can you just let me cry without judging me? I'll get over it, I'll get by, I'm fine.

The girls are discussing ways we can get more money, like having a garage sale, or the money in their piggy banks that they'll gladly share. We just ran out of money for food, for good. I'm ashamed. To be perfectly honest, I was receiving help from the government to feed my kids. It's shameful, I know, and look down on me if you must, but for their sake I did it. Now, because of wording in the divorce decree that allows my ex to claim he's their parent and I'm not, despite the fact they're with me half the time and I provide half their support, and because TNG lives with me and never provided proof of his past income, and because of changes that require full time students to also work 20 hours per week to be eligible, I'm no longer eligible. The remaining food budget I had left has just expired, and it was very embarrasing at the grocery store to be declined.

I know I'll get by. I can live on ramen noodles and other cheap stuff, eat a lot less, and visit Mom for dinner when I have time. My pantry is full and I can live off that awhile. I can hit Grandma up for vegetables from her garden this summer and if I were desperate I could even go to the local food banks. It's not like I'm going to starve to death, I know. It's just...my goodness, I can barely, barring emergencies, pay my bills, and now I've got this uncomfortable no-net-beneath-me feeling of not having any food. That security is gone.

I sometimes hate being a single mom of three, full-time college student. Not that I have it nearly so hard as most single moms, but it's hard. I work so hard and never succeed at anything. If I devote too much time to school the house and my relationship with my kids goes to pot, and vice versa, so they all suffer and barely get managed. There's never time to grocery shop or cook or spend time with the kids, I'm always studying, the house is so messy I can barely stand it, but I've got a final and a paper and a presentation due tomorrow and not nearly enough time in the evening to get them done, and I just have to ask myself, why do I suck so badly? What the heck is wrong with me that I can't do all of this better? What's so hard about my life that I must fail so miserably at it?

I search my mind for solutions, and I see no way to make things any easier. The fact that I must add a part-time job to the mix is obvious, financially. How to improve anything else I don't know. How school and raising kids will fit in along side work I don't know.

And I hate myself for sitting here crying like this, oh poor me, life's so darn hard. What's so hard about it? I'm blessed with so many things--heck, I'm sitting here typing from a lovely Mac, how can I complain? And my children, they've been as sweet as can be lately, helping me in every way and heaping love and smiles and laughter upon me. I've got a place to live and all that jazz. How dare I cry?

TNG has gone back home for awhile. It's been a long time since we've been apart and this is an interesting experience to say the least. I'm alone, like I used to be all the time, except now I'm totally unconditioned to it. It's also finals weeks and the stress is 'bout to kill me. I've got a final today and one tomorrow, then two hours of presentations on Tuesday, followed by two hours of finals, and six hours worth of finals on Thursday (six finals in all). My school semester, while well, hasn't gone as well as I wanted. But then, straight As might not even please me. I continue to worry about finances, about TNG, about being a good mom and the lack of time I have to spend with my kids, and the garden--plants bought and still not yet planted. Worry worry worry, stress stress stress, but I'm holding it together and doing alright, and I'll be a new girl when this semester finally ends.

If you haven't seen this already, please take a look. TNG created it. He's not only full of creative ideas but has the talent and abilities to bring them to fruition. I'm very proud, very excited.

You may not be familiar with the application SubEthaEdit (their site), and if you're not a Mac user it will be of no use to you, but the idea is cool. I describe SubEthaEdit as something like a word processor in which multiple people can unite online and contribute. It's a collaberative tool. You and your friends or colleagues can join in the same room and easily add to and modify a document. It was created for extreme programming but it's interesting and useful for chats, story writing, proofreading papers, exchanging ideas, and much more. If you have a chance to download and play with it, it's a lot of fun.

With SubEthaTrack, SubEthaEdit users can find one another. I may want to open a collection of smoothie recipes to which anyone could contribute. I may want to find people who are knowledgable about philosophy to help me with my essays. I might collect ideas and feedback on stories I write. I may want someone to proofread my papers. I may want to open a document for suggestions to a parental dilemma I have. Oh, the possibilities are endless!

It's a great way to gather ideas and feedback, to connect with people of needed expertise, for users in general to come together and help each other out. SubEthaTrack is a work in progress, but it's so promising and exciting I couldn't help but tell you about it now.

I've got a candle lit with my wishes and prayers attached in very paganist fashion. At the same time, I'm singing along with the Christian pop rock and worship music I'm playing. Me at the moment, undirected spiritualist.

Relationships just cost you. They take up your time and they take up your money (as well as everything else). I guess the question is whether or not it's worth it. And is this a question you ask logically or with your heart?

I think it's a shame you have to be so deep into a relationship to find out if it's really going to work. It takes so much time to get to the very heart of the matter, before you find the most buried things, before you've gathered enough experiences and responses to experiences to begin to see.

On the other hand I think, if you've already come to a 99% match, can any remainder really be significant enough to say, "This won't work"? Is it a matter of getting bored, of being too nit-picky, of focusing on the bad instead of the mass of good?

I don't know. I don't know anything.

He passed away last night.

It's hard and it's not hard. Mostly, it's kind of hard. Batches of tears come to my eyes over and again. The fact that he's been in the hospital for so long helped; it's been a gradual separation. It's been some time now since he and I watched Walker Texas Ranger (which he seriously liked!) or shared Vienna Fingers, a while since I've been the ear to the venting of his constant worries: the weather, the mowing business, his wife--where she was and how much of their money she was spending this time, the bills... He was such a friendly, goofy, funny guy.

He was my dad, period, I don't care what anyone says, and I'm going to miss him so much.

In chat:

"My exFIL is dying. I'm so weird with that. Most of the time I talk about it like I'm talking about the weather. Other times I burst into tears.

And then I feel weird sometimes for being upset--like, what, he's my ex-father-in-law, for goodness sakes! What's he to me?! And other times I feel weird that I take it so matter of factly and am not *more* upset.

I just want to be able to be myself about it. I don't want to be too obsessed, I don't want to be too nonchalant, I just want to feel what I feel and be okay to talk about it."

You've probably been wondering where I've been. For the first time in a long, long time, I tell you what, things seem to be looking up. Nothing is perfect nor will it ever be, but I finally have hope that things ARE and WILL BE okay.

So what's new? The semester is drawing to a close, the first semester in awhile that hasn't been frought with obstacles and setbacks. I can't believe I've done it. Not perfectly, but I've done it.

I've started training and volunteering at the newly opened campus "violence prevention and intervention center," a resource for survivors of sexual abuse. I'm so excited about this. It should be a great experience for me, and maybe-just-maybe I'll have the chance to make a difference in someone's life. Being in on the "ground floor," so to speak, I'll get to help shape the program and watch it grow.

I'm in the process of applying for a work-study position that would pay me 5 hours a week to work at the center and 5 hours a week at the campus police department as an assistant to the director. Of course, if the following happens, I won't be so hard hit for money:

TNG may have a new job, a *good* one. Keep your fingers crossed. Pray. It's at the university, which would mean good pay, benefits, free classes for him and half-priced tuition for me-- if we were married. Not a good reason in and of itself to get married, I know, I know, but wow, think of the thousands of dollars saved! [smile]

Kids are fine. TNG told me the other day for the first time he didn't want them to leave when it was time for them to go. He asked about being their godparent. He loves them and they love him.

Lots of things have happened, of course. Today, for example, the kids and I went grocery shopping. In preparation for Easter dinner tomorrow I've made Three Bean Salad, homemade cinnamon rolls, and of course, hard boiled eggs. Left to go are dinner rolls and lemon meringue pie. (By the way, assume anything I mention is made totally from scratch. I do almost all my cooking that way.) TNG, the kids and I just got done coloring Easter eggs. Now TNG is out buying me a present. Late this afternoon we decided to exchange presents, as adults just don't get enough of that holiday morning magic. I've got an Easter basket of goodies hidden for him.

My exFIL, on the other hand, is not doing well. His body just isn't recovering from the bone marrow transplant, and he has little immune system. He's been fighting infection after infection, and they believe that this one will do him in. If it doesn't, his kidneys are working toward failure. In any case no one has any further hope. Of course we're all sad, 'though more and more "used" to the idea and weary of seeing him suffer. It's hard on all of us.

People keep telling me they can tell I'm happy. I just seem well, look well, *am* well. Nothing is perfect. It's not looking like I'm going to make straight As in school. The house is perpetually a mess. TNG and I get irritated with each other. I'm still poor. But really, more and more these feeling develops that everything is and will be okay.

I'd post this directly if I could, but I LOVE this.