November 2004 Archives

First, some good news. I got a perfect score on Psychology Exam #4. Again.

In Creative Writing, I recieved a grade so good on my paper that I was bouncing around like an excited little kid. This paper is 25% of our grade, and I knew that Matt had flunked it, and apparently others had as well because the professor announced he would allow re-writes. I've been worried since. But I got my paper back today with a circled letter A on it, with this comment:

"An excellent, intelligent, articulate paper. Great work."

I am so, so happy about that.

Also, it is snowing. Beautiful, could-not-be-more beautiful snow. It's absolutely dreamy.

For the bad side, I've suddenly realized that my peaceful semester ending is not peaceful at all. Whoa, am I overwhelmed. In Creative Writing, for example, it was just explained to me that "EITHER YOUR SECOND PAPER OR YOUR PORTFOLIO IS DUE TODAY" actually means we have to do *both* a five page paper, *and* a portfolio.

The problem with the portfolio is many. For one, I am an assignment behind, meaning to start with I need to write another five page fiction story pronto. Then, two of my poems and two of my prose writings need major revision so that I can include new and improved versions that reflect enough thought, effort, and craft to earn me a good grade for this which weighs at 30% of my grade. This is going to take time and thought that I don't feel like I have.

If you'd like to help, please contact me. I would like as much feedback as I can get on my poems and stories so that I have ideas for revision. I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can give, and I do mean you, whoever is reading this, please, please consider helping. Leave a comment or email me.
mandybri @ mac.com

Finally I have some things for my senior seminar class to wrap up, including a massive project that is overdue. That's a priority. Focusing on my writing is a priority. Getting in touch with my attorney about the kids' situation is a priority. Cleaning my house is a priority; tomorrow--a day off, finally!--the kids and I are putting up our tree, doing crafts, and spending a nice holiday day together. But pn my day off I have to be dressed professionally, resume in hand, to do a videotaped and analyzed mock interview for class at 9am. I have a meeting to attend and the newspaper to proofread after that, plus I really need to run to the store. I've been out of bread for weeks and I scarcely eat outside of leftovers at work. Also, a friend is coming over Saturday night. I really need to clean. But like today, I got up, did schoolwork, ran to school, ran to the bank (they don't like it when your account reaches zero), ran home, and now I've got to run to work. I won't make it home until 9pm and I'll be tired.

I just reminded myself, though, that I've been through this before. Many times before. And yes, it seems impossible and it feels stressful, but I always manage, don't I? I always accomplish it in the end. So I'm going to do my best to keep my fretting to a minimum. It's a particularly lovely holiday season for me. I'm not sure why, but it feels happy and peaceful and all the things it should. When I'm at work with where the Christmas trees are up and tChristmas music is piped throughout the building, I'm doing my part to assist the elderly and I feel good. I need to focus on helping others, pretty snow and other blessings and trust that I can manage school, work, home, and family. Because I can.

Okay, I'm tired of this. Every night after I've worked a tiring shift, the only thing I look forward to is seeing my kids. Their dad's house is very close to my place of employment. Every night I drive over there as soon as I get off work, and every night they're not there. No, they're at their "new" house, where everyone has their own room painted their favorite color, where everyone can have all the pets they've always wanted--dogs, cats, parrots, fish--and everything is dreamy. It's a wonderland I'm tired of hearing of.

It seems these years of dropping by to see the kids whenever, the casual exchanges, the spontaneous "Mom, can I come over?!" and the convenient "Can you keep the kids?" are gone. My kids are gone. My kids have been taken forty-five minutes away, where spending time with them must be carefully arranged and requested. Somehow, I have let my ex slip into the graciousness of "letting" me see my kids. He and his mom sit on their thrones and dictate my experience with them.

I've had one child stay the night with me one night in nearly two weeks. Every day I call and ask for them to come over, but every day they're at their New Home far away.

Once upon a time I had kids. I loved those kids. But I wanted a divorce, and having to go to school full time and work part time and all my other issues somehow allowed my children to drift far away.

I never meant to choose my life over theirs. I truly believed this would be best for all of us. Why am I being punished for choosing divorce when it was so warranted? Or am I just being punished for being pathetic, for all my weaknesses, mistakes, and flaws?

The workday finally reached its end. Happy, happy. I drove to my ex's to visit the kids. I didn't get to see them yesterday because he keeps them at their new home all the time now. Bri had called earlier to let me know she'd made me a warm fuzzy, a yarn creation of happiness. She and I were both very excited about this and I was to come by as soon as I could to see her and pick it up, but no. No warm fuzzy or warm visit with children for me.

Depressed on my way home after reflecting on their obsession with their exciting "new house" that I cannot compete with, saddened by the continuing gulf between my own children and myself, I came home not in the mood to see Roommate Steve watching tv in my living room. So I went directly to my room without even taking off my coat. I locked myself in, sat on my bed, and realized there's nothing in my room to do. So I called TNG; no answer. I called MFB; no answer. Then I sadly remembered that normal young people are probably out on a Saturday night, and followed that thought with "neither of them had mentioned they were going out tonight, they could very well be out with some other girl". I wondered what they're doing and who they're with and why they couldn't answer their phones. Decided if I was going to be shut in my room with nothing to do I should clean it. I lay on my bed and fell asleep thinking this thought. I wake groggy and confused two hours later; I hadn't even been tired. I come downstairs; everything is dark and Roommate Steve is gone, maybe offended by my rudeness. No one is online. Where is everyone? Where is TNG?

It's a bit like the beginning of a day--I've just awoken--but it's late and dark. No one's online. I don't feel like being online anyway. I want to write for my school assignment but am feeling too sluggish. I want to start on my house project: you have no idea how badly my house needs to be organized and what a massive undertaking this is, I really need to get on this. Here's my chance, I have free time, but it's Saturday night and my legs and feet are hurting and I feel tired and worn out and I just got off work. I want relaxation. I want happiness. I have nothing. Hello, Saturday night.

So I have started work with gusto.

My Schedule:
Nov. 24 - 11:00am - 9:30pm (my first day)
Nov. 25 - 6:00am - 2:30pm (Thanksgiving)
Nov. 26 - 2:00pm - 8:30pm
Nov. 27 - 2:00pm - 8:30pm
Nov. 28 - 2:00pm - 8:30pm
Nov. 29 - 5:00pm - 8:30pm
Nov. 30 - 5:00pm - 8:30pm

Yes, this is 45.5 hours my first week. A total of 83.5 hours in 18 days. Somehow, this seems like more than the "15, *maybe* 20" hours per week I signed up for.

A job I applied for some time ago called for an interview, and more or less hired me on the spot, praise-God-and-other-phrases-of-appreciation! This is an actual job in the dietary department of a psuedo-posh nursing home. If this means nothing to you, let me remind you that I'm a dietetics major. I have just landed a job in my field of interest. Good for experience, good for the resume, good for the finances, good.

When I called Mom to tell her about the job, she was packing her suitcase in preparation to drive to visit my brother in Virginia. "Why do you always go without me?" I teased. I was very surprised by her spontaneous and sincere invitation to go with her. So in a few hours time I had bought tickets, made travel arrangements, packed, and cared for everything I needed to tend to, to enable me to run away for a week.

I had never been to Virginia before. It was an excellent opportunity to spend time with my mother as well as my brother, whom I see very rarely. I finally got to meet his girlfriend of several years ('bout time); she's great and I really like her.

Mom was staying for two weeks, however, and I could only stay for one, so I had to find my own way home, and the only way I could afford that was by wacky train arrangement that left me in Chicago for two days. Thank goodness for the kindness of friends! My chat acquaintence David agreed to let me crash at his place. He went far beyond that, though, serving as a tour guide, a host, a date, a gentleman, and a real friend.

Okay, whoa. So I got a job and I'm leaving in the morning (as of now) to drive to Virginia, and I'll be staying for two days in Chicago on my way back.

It's so crazy that I have to run and don't have time to explain.

I made my first Turkish coffee this evening with my lovely, handmade Turkish coffee set. Afterward, I saw my fortune in the cup, and this is it:

First I saw the letter M, above which stands an intimate couple. They're holding hands and obviously affectionate. The letter M also looks like a bed. Unfortunately, behind them is a very sad person who appears to be male, hanging his head. I also see a peacock, which stands for good, and the number 1 and the number 7. Something significant should happen in one day and/or seven.

Remember that tomorrow I have two job interviews for two positions I very much want. Please keep me in your thoughts!

So TNG really are friends again, and for the first time (and hopefully unrelated) things are not well with my ever-faithful, ever-wonderful friend MFB. I spent time with him last night for the first time in several weeks and it wasn't the joyful reunion I'd hoped for. There was no kissing or hand-holding-- there was no touching at all, not even a hug good-bye! In fact, there was scarcely a glance in my direction and never--not once-- a smile. He, it seems, is not happy with me, 'though I don't know why and he couldn't really explain. A very short night together and waste of my time, leaving my gas tank very much hurting and me hurting a tiny bit, too.

I think this is the point at which I say, "See? It's a good thing I never let myself get too attached!" It doesn't hurt too badly, but it is disappointing. I shrug my shoulders and think, perhaps things will resolve themselves.

Today's been a great day.

I put in more lab hours (as I do most every Friday), this time in the University Union kitchen. Although I didn't like this lab as much as those prior, it was still neat, and the guy I worked with I recognized immediately as someone I worked with at Dairy Queen ten years ago. Small world, I know.

It wasn't too bad--the thing I'd say I've learned the most from all these lab hours in all these kitchens is that kitchen workers are unbelievably jovial--and then this really great thing happened afterward. I was really hungry, it being 11:30, four and a half hours of being up without food while swimming in a sea of it. I was standing in the food court contemplating and contemplating (as those of you aware of my indecisiveness can well imagine). I was very hungry, but I really didn't want to spend money I don't really have to spend. Yet as I was asking a worker a question, she asks, "Weren't you working in the kitchen earlier?" Thinking I must look familiar to her I say yes, and she says, "Well, you can eat for free! Take whatever you want!" Oh my gosh, for someone starving, hungrily eyeing food and hoping merely to be able to buy one little thing, this was so awesome. I had a fajita with all the fixin's and potatoes and they even let me have dessert! Blueberry cheesecake! I'm still so, so happy!

Then I went to volunteer for my last event this Healthy Relationships Week (by the way, remember to choose healthy relationships!), a luncheon with guest speakers on the topic of "How to End a Bad Relationship". I got lemonade and rice crispy treats, but best of all, I realized I've become a person who comfortably speaks to whomever she desires, a person who raises her hand and volunteers her questions and feedback because she's not afraid to and believes that what she has to say is valuable. I never used to speak up before, and particularly not as confidently as I do now.

Next, I might get to spend time with MFB tomorrow. I haven't gotten to see him in about two weeks. (And then there's the fact that I'm happy I can finally be with someone I really like and care about, and happily and successfully be apart from them.)

Finally, several weeks back I was excited by two dietary position openings, one at the Missouri Veteran's Home and one at a nice nursing home. I applied for both and was disappointed to not hear back from them. I both need money badly and need a job in my field. Well what would you know but I was jumping up and down thrilled to receive a call asking for an interview from the Veteran's Home yesterday. And what do you know but I was equally excited to receive a call from the nursing home asking for an interview today! I actually have interviews back to back on Monday. Pray, pray that I get one or the other. A good job. Money. I can get by okay financially with a little income...

Continuing with the good, I got some answers and explanations from the registrar's office concering courses they've suddenly decided I need for graduation. On a sour note they have not changed their minds. They don't care that I've never needed these courses before. I now need 18 hours next semester, and possibly, if I can't get a waiver from my department chair, 23 hours, to graduate. But because this is dissengrating into whining I'm going to put the remainder into the extended entry below.

TNG needed a place to stay for the night, and having asked me very nicely, I agreed he could sleep on my couch. I ended up asking him to stay for several more days. He was just so helpful when I really needed it--saved my butt on a school project--bought me milk and donuts--fixed me coffee--listened to me lament and stress--and when my big project was finally turned in, we went out for sushi and a movie to celebrate. Over the course of the evening we ended up re-remembering why we liked each other so much, a lot of "Wow, I forgot how great it feels to have someone who [fill in the blank]" moments. There are just some things that can exist only between yourself and one other person. He and I happen to have a lot such things.

We just had a really great evening. It was truly enjoyable. Yes, this of my ex!

It turns out of course--see if this surprises you--that the girl he left me for broke up with him. (Of course I love to say that, but the breakup was a lot more than that.) It turns out that Miss Perfect was far from perfect after all, and that he values me more highly than I ever imagined he did. We tied up all the loose ends from our relationship, talking about all the things we never had. The whole thing has been lovely closure.

But in case you were, don't worry. We're not getting back together.

It was great, though. It really was.

Okay, it's been awhile since I've posted. I keep starting entries and then losing them, never finished. There are two reasons why there's been this long pause: (1) I've been busy; (2) I've been well. Sitting around the house with nothing to do and lots of emotion is very conducive to blog updates.

So what's been going on? Hmm... I don't know, the usual. I'm taking classes, two of which I adore. I'm meeting new people and making new friends and enjoying my classmates. I'm reading. I'm writing. I'm being published. (Yay!) I'm proofreading the University newspaper. (Don't proofread my entry.) I'm promoting bands. I'm talking with MFB every day. I'm taking care of the kids and doing it well, which means I've established a much better relationship with Shay than I've had in years. I'm volunteering at The Lighthouse. I'm volunteering at the girls' school. I'm teaching J his alphabet and how to read. I'm listening to music. I'm taking dance lessons. I'm joining clubs (Student Dietetic Association; the Association of Non-Traditional Students). I'm doing makeup work for Quantity Foods, which means I'm in some kitchen somewhere volunteering for four or five hours every Friday. I'm spending time with my writer's club friends, having fun and helping to establish the first ever student literary magazine on our campus. Continued!