Any time the topic of self-esteem crosses my path I am convinced that I have no such problem; I know I am valuable and worthy of love. But occasionally, on a night like tonight, that wall comes crumbling down. All I see is the worst of me, which looks like a broken person indeed. I see a person who is lucky to be loved.
Mean words, I guess, is what I'd answer if you asked what brought this change about. Or perhaps, it's my interpretation of what was said that's the problem. See? Yet another fault in me, to read criticism into things. Am I blaming my feelings on others? The faults pile up as I fault myself for being faulty.
What a mess. What a mess I am.
Maybe they were mean words, in which case I'm at fault for having mean people in my life and allowing them to tear me down.
I don't know which way is up. I am down.
What ordinarily I see as minor flaws seem major right now. Let me present you with a list of why I am lucky to be loved. Maybe some self-preservation will kick in somewhere along the way before I implode:
- I'm not very flexible with change; I set expectations and feel vaguely disappointed if what I imagined isn't what happens. (It doesn't matter what the expectation was, whether it were a boring day at home or a busy day out.)
- I am ruled by my emotions and I don't understand them. I act in the moment of passion instead of assessing the situation later in peace.
- I am a self-centered friend.
- I'm argumentative. I argue every last thing that is unfair, untrue, illogical, or unclear.
- I am not generous.
- I am not very gracious.
- I have to take good care of myself to maintain my mental health which is set asunder by things like pregnancy hormones, sleep deprivation, excessive stress, or not eating. My physical health has grown equally unreliable.
- I don't stand up for myself. I don't know what healthy boundaries are. I'm afraid of conflict and sometimes scared of others.
- I am too wordy.
- I keep my head in the sand.
- I am too lenient and inconsistent with my young children and not involved enough with the older ones.
- I get hung up on what is "fair".
- I am prone to being cranky.
- I am easily influenced by and controlled by others.
I'll rest my case. The list of things I dislike about myself is much longer, even, but whether I am flabby and unable to keep a perfectly clean home doesn't really factor too much into love.
I may be loved by God, but why can't I be loved here on earth, too? I wish for a love that overcomes all these flaws and goes further, to appreciate my flaws as eccentricities and cherish everything that makes me who I am.
Comments are turned off, so you can't rush in pity to tell me how I am not all of the things I am. Or, if you were inclined to agree with me, you can't tell me that, either. I assure you I don't need any more blows.
